So, I have received a couple of comments from people that I haven’t been updating my blog lately and that I’m a terrible person.
Well, they make a persuasive argument, as I am pretty much the worst blogger in the world lately, but hear me out! There is a reason.
You see, recently I’ve joined Toastmasters, which is essentially a structured way to get better at speaking publicly, so consequently a lot of my writing has been going into producing new speeches.
In a quirk of fate, every time I have tried to record them something has gone wrong.
In any case it’s no excuse, and to try and make it up to the internet, I’ve posted the text of the speech I gave tonight.
Obviously, I’m being ironic throughout this speech, so the delivery was intentionally dry, but I pledge to you to post something unbelievably interesting some time soon!
Today, I’d like to talk to you about something I am very passionate about:
And that is the wanton destructive and irresponsible actions of modern day rappers.
Eminem, Dr-Dre and Tupac to name just a few, are all, in my opinion, dangerous proponents of irresponsible social and economic policy.
Take Macklemore, or as he was originally known Ben Haggerty, in his song ‘everything is gold’ he states:
Everything is gold, everything is equal
Posted on the porch just chillin’, me and my people
Eyelids closed, gold sun shines on
The world’s coated in the gold Krylon
Well Mr Macklemore, I for one am honored to have had the opportunity to share with you your utopian vision of an ideal world.
A world in which all things and spaces would be filled by Gold.
A world in which gold is abundant and accessible and the streets would literally be paved by it.
But, let me tell you something, in such a world I don’t see much chance of anybody ‘chillin’ with their people’, as you so boldly claim.
In fact, the economics of this future is very different.
You see, covering the world with gold would be both highly impractical and expensive.
Let’s take one of Macklemore’s first points, that the world be covered with ‘Gold Krylon’.
Now, although it’s difficult to know exactly how, Macklemore, or ‘Dr Macklemore’ as he has been known, plans to achieve this, why don’t we do the maths for him.
Firstly, estimates suggest that the surface area of the earth is around 510 million square kilometres.
So based on the current price of gold, if we were to cover this area with gold, using gold leaf, we would need to come up with 17 trillion dollars, or approximately 20 per cent of the world’s GDP.
Now, let me just make this clear.
What this in fact means is that Mr Macklemore is advocating the massive redistribution of wealth to achieve his selfish dream of ‘chillin on the porch’.
But he continues:
Yea, and these days days days
They never run away
Gold tints, shades, that block out that golden haze
Take all the gold from the pawnshop that lives behind the case
And get to give it away
Macklemore is actually advocating that as a society we should intentionally target the humble pawnshop in a Maoist style revolution.
Given he does not describe how this is to be achieved, it seems likely that he wants it done through any means necessary.
But more than this,
he clearly fails to understand that pawnshops have been a lifesaver for countless families throughout some of the hard times.
You see, pawnshops provide loans to some of the poorest families throughout the world. In fact, they are the western equivalent of micro-finance.
But, ‘Dr Macklemore’ doesn’t seem to be too concerned about this, in fact, as part of his grand ‘chillin on the porch’ policy, he is advocating pulling the rug from the least fortunate.
But guess what Macklemore, I’m not fooled, by your ‘phat beats’, you, like many of your rapper ‘bros’ are simply advocating destruction.
And I also understand that your plans don’t end there:
My gold erupted from volcanoes in the heavens
And every shrine that existed in time melting
Tombs open, Dookie Ropes on the bells
When everything is gold, who cares about the carats.
And here we come to the crux of the problem, with Macklemore’s ode to obliteration.
You see, clearly he has shown his hand as an advocate of change, as he has clearly said ‘My gold erupted from volcanoes in the heavens’.
That’s right, after all this social upheaval and redistribution the outcome he envisions is one in which a world, now covered in gold, is owned by him.
But it gets worse, because with this selfish redistribution of the world’s wealth, Macklemore is clearly not satisfied with anything less than immortality and omnipotence:
They say that gold’s the skin of the gods
You can’t take the band there when you’re gone
But even this is not enough for him, as once he’s gained god-like status, Macklemore simply envisions more destruction:
‘tips over that kiosk in the mall’
‘crack open the vault, let everyone mob in the bank’
And when we’re done accepting him as a god and looting the mall we should:
‘party and give thanks’.
Unfortunately, my learned friends this is just the tip of the iceberg.
You see, this destruction that Macklemore advocates, is nothing when compared to the work of artists such as:
The blasphemous Kanye West with ‘Jesus Walks’
The dystopian vision of the future by Coolio with ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’
and even Jay Z’s ‘aria of assassination’ the song, ‘Dead presidents’
But this my friends is the face of hip hop.
A countless mob of unqualified social engineers, who seek nothing but the destruction of our god fearing nation.
And it is for this reason that I stand here in front of you today, to make it known that I for one will not stand for this.
It will no doubt be a long journey, filled with long speeches, droll monologues and reaffirmations of the existing system, but it must be done.
And this is why today I am starting a movement ‘The Conservative Rebellion Against Pop’, or CRAP.
CRAP will be dedicated to encouraging economically responsible rap music so our children can look forward to the same social hierarchies, simple pleasures and family games of monopoly that we were blessed with.
In this I hope you will join me.